The first step in Nonviolent Communication is observing what is actually happening in a situation. This sounds simple, but it's where many conversations first go wrong. We often mix our evaluations—our judgments, interpretations, and opinions—into our description of events. When we do this, the other person is likely to hear criticism and become defensive, shutting down the possibility of connection.

The goal is to separate observation from evaluation. Think of it like a video camera. A camera records actions and sounds without adding a story. It captures "He raised his voice" or "She did not look at me during the meeting." It does not record "He was angry" or "She was being disrespectful." Those are interpretations, not pure observations.

This distinction is especially crucial in professional settings, like performance reviews. A manager might say, "You're not a team player." This is an evaluation. A more effective, observation-based approach would be, "In the last three team meetings, I noticed you didn't contribute any ideas to the brainstorm session." The second statement provides a concrete, factual starting point for a productive discussion. It focuses on specific behaviors rather than a vague, loaded label.

One common trap is using what's called static language—words that imply a fixed, permanent state. Verbs like "is" and "are" often lead to evaluations. Saying "He is lazy" pins a permanent trait on someone. It freezes them in time.

NVC encourages using process language, which describes actions and behaviors within a specific context. Instead of "He is lazy," a process-based observation would be, "He said he would finish the report by Friday, and I haven't received it yet." This shift from being to doing acknowledges that people and situations are fluid. It describes a specific event without passing a verdict on someone's entire character.

Pay attention to generalizations as well. Words like "always," "never," "frequently," and "seldom" often signal an evaluation disguised as an observation. While you might feel like your coworker is "always" late, it's unlikely to be factually true. Has there never been a single instance of them being on time? A more precise observation would be, "You arrived after 9:15 AM on Monday and Wednesday this week."

Here’s a table that helps distinguish evaluative words from observable facts:

In any high-stakes conversation, it’s vital to separate objective data from your perception of that data. Our brains are wired to create stories to make sense of the world. We see a colleague sigh during our presentation and our brain might immediately conclude, "He thinks my idea is stupid."

The sigh is the data. The conclusion is our perception. Before speaking, it's powerful to pause and ask yourself: What is the pure data here? A pure observation would be, "When I presented the budget slide, I noticed you sighed and looked down at your notes." This presents the event neutrally, opening the door for the other person to explain their experience without having to defend themselves against your mind-reading attempts.

Mastering this first step of NVC isn't about becoming a robot, devoid of opinions. It's about consciously choosing when to share your observations and when to share your evaluations. By starting with a shared reality grounded in observable facts, you create a foundation of trust and respect, making it far more likely that your needs—and theirs—will be heard and met.